Homeopathic Schomeopathic

I have been sick for the past two and a half weeks.

My uncle came into the office today and noticed (why he didn't notice when he saw me on Sunday is beyond me) and recommended I go to the Natural Store down the street and buy myself something called "Natural Treasures Cold and Flu" something or other. I used to have it written down.

He recommended this so emphatically that he gave me $9 towards the cost of the $20 medicine. He promised my cold would be cured in a matter of doses, though the doses themselves would taste rather horrible...perhaps because of the elderberry.

My family pops ibuprofen like a halitosic should pop breath mints. I believe in chemicals. I believe in drugs. Herbal remedies are not quite my thing. But I had nine dollars and the cold that wouldn't die.

So during my lunch hour, I took my uncle's money and some of my own and trudged my pus-y (if you spell this non-word like it sounds, it is 'pussy') system down to the Natural store. They were out of my uncle's wonder drug, but the health store guru- a man with dreds whose office was a high table at the coffee bar- told me this other stuff would work just as well. Instead of the one tablet a day recommended on the bottle, the guru told me to take two pills two times a day. And to not eat any "sweets or cold foods. No cold foods."

I wonder if cold foods means cold temperature foods or foods that colds like? Do colds like sweets?

I didn't push the question, as the guru had a slurring, high-pitched voice and was rather difficult to understand.

So, let's examine this wonder non-drug.

One soft gel includes:
- Garlic (which I eat in large doses anyway)
- Oil of Oregano (ditto on the oregano...I love my Italian food)
- Echinacea (I have never heard of this. The box, which kindly labels things for me, informs me that this includes 15 mg of leaf and flower and 15 mg of root)
- Elderberry (of the legendary bad taste...luckily my medicine is in pill form)
- Goldenseal (I feel this is a denture adhesive, though the box claims it is a root)
- Andrographis (obviously fear of graphs...or a leaf)
- Green Tea (I have this quite often. I had it this morning. I still have a cold.)
- Astragalus (is apparently a leaf as well)
- Melissa (leaf. I currently have 60mg of Melissa inside me)
- Myrrh (also a small scene from the nativity- this is a gum resin)
- Wintergreen (a flavor I care not for in gum)
- Ginger (which I ate quite a lot of on Sunday. Still sick)
- Eucalyptus (feel this is better for inhaling than ingesting)
- Peppermint (consume this all the time. STILL SICK.)
- Meadowsweet (extract...of what, I am not quite sure)
- Purple Willow (extract...if I was unaware that this was a hippie thing, it would now become clear)

Other ingredients that don't get top billing: Olive oil (see Italian food thing), Maltodextrin (sounds evil), Cellulose (sounds fat), Yellow beeswax (wear it on my lips), Gelatin (jelly), Purified Water (drink it all the time)

I ingest half of these things on a regular basis and they don't help my cold! Why should they help now that they are all mushed together in a pill that smells vaguely like a pizza parlor?

Ah well. I have two of them slowly dissolving in my stomach right now. We'll see how this goes.