Yet again, I am faced with the near-existential crisis that accompanies graduation. Or being in your mid-twenties. Or simply being alive.
I strongly feel the question should be "WHO do I want to be?" but it isn't. I have to pick a job, because that's what people do. And I am supposed to pick a job that can turn into a career- that can go somewhere, direct my life, give me purpose for the next forty years or so.
Is it okay if I don't want to?
I don't like to work.
There, I've said it.
More specifically, I don't like having a job. It's not that I'm lazy, per se (I am lazy, just no more lazy than plenty of people who have jobs, careers, etc.), it's just that I don't want that life. Get up, go to work, come home exhausted, go to sleep so you can get up and go to work again. I understand that plenty of people who lead that life don't particularly want it. It's just what you do to be an American adult. But I don't want to do it. So, do I have to?
It's looking like the teaching thing might not happen, at least not this year. For about two weeks, this really freaked me out. I wanted a path, a goal, certain steps that would lead to certain other steps that would lead me down the road to respectability and old age. Then I stepped back and realized that I don't really care that much if I'm not teaching. I mean, I want to teach: if I have to have a career, I want one that I feel is contributing to the world and one that focuses on things I love (reading...books...talking about reading and books). But as I don't actually want a career, the not teaching thing isn't such a great loss.
A friend and I recently discussed my plans and put the "things I want to do with my life" in this order:
- Writer
- Own/Run my own bookstore/cafe
- Teach
And what I want most by far is to be a writer...so doesn't it seem silly to pursue another career in the meantime? Yes, I need to make enough money to live and make my student loan payments...but that's it. I don't need a job to become the center of my life when I would rather center it on friends, family, and writing.
So here's my justification for a possible future of bummin' around: all typed-out and easy to access.
In other news, no Madam President for us in the US. She's been losing for so long that it's not a shock at all, but it's still disappointing. Time to learn how to be an Obama supporter, I suppose.
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1 comment:
Welcome to my existential crisis!! We have cupcakes!
Listen, you are still young (there I said it, Grandma). I think if what you really want to do is write, then fuck everything else and write. Get a job that gives you the freedom to do that which you love the most.
Does this mean that some might shun you because you've refused to conform? Yes.
Does it occasionally get really scary? Yes.
Does it mean you'll be living a life just above that of gypsy or bag lady? Probably.
Does it mean that maybe in a few years you'll discover that while writing is great there is something bigger out there for you? Maybe.
Does it mean that thirty years down the road you have a better chance of looking back and having less regrets because you picked the harder path that gave you more happiness? Yessssssss.
Its scary, but its a lot more rewarding. .. and like I said - Cupcakes.
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