I can, I can hear the bells are ringing...

Today, after spending much time plotting and planning the duties that fall to the Maid of Honor, I received a call from my mother informing me that yet another one of my childhood friends has taken the vows. It's practically an epidemic at this point. I'm worried.

I told my Mom, "God, I'm glad I live in New York. No one wants to get married here. We like just flitting around and bumping into each other." Which is true. We then proceeded to have a discussion on the lives of women after marriage and what they should and should not be, and how this affects the children.

I wish I didn't want to get married. I wish it wasn't such a desperate need burning deep inside me. It's scary, and I can't really excuse it. I have no solid proof that marriage leads to happiness. I've seen my parents thrive under marital conditions but, truly, they're an anomaly. Books and movies often make it look lovely (though, really, they can make it look crappy, too). Really, it's just that society is screaming at me that I need to get married: sooner rather than later. I could get my Phd and publish an award-winning plethora of novels and be stinking rich, and if I didn't get married, the world wouldn't view me as a success. I probably wouldn't view me as a success either.

I want to be happy. That's a good life goal, right? That is the life goal, in fact. Does that mean I have to spend my life with one other person- legally joined and committed to one other person? Why should that, specifically, be a recipe for happiness? It doesn't make any sense.

The world is my oyster. It's open and shiny and right in front of me. I'm not diving in- really, I'm just floating along, but that's what most of us do. That's okay. But why is marriage this ultimate destination? Things don't end with marraige. Though, in a way, looking at my friends who have plunged or are preparing to, it kind of feels like they do. I fear they do. Marriage is scary: scary, yet desirable.

Okay, this blog really is just a crazy ramble. I just hate how consuming the idea of marriage is. I hate how much I want it (not today, but some day). I hate that women are still so defined by it, so much more than men. That's all.

In other news?

- Everyone else is travelling to exotic locals but me: Bangkok, England, New Orleans for Mardi Gras. I'm stuck in cold, everday New York.

- This new movie, The Number 23, that's being advertised everywhere really freaks me out- mostly because my favorite/lucky number is 23. Ooh, spooky!

- Jack Bauer and I would have lovely children. They'd be beautiful and blonde, and they could save the world and analyze literature. Too bad he's fictional.